I went to purchase my ballet accoutrements (pronounced as 'ah-coo-tray-mahnts' with a French accent) today. Basically I needed a leotard, tights and ballet shoes. The last time I had donned such a costume was when I was approximately ten years of age and a skinny stick. Twenty years and two kids later, I've gained a few pounds. Its not like I'm obese or anything. I've just got a slight belly from when I was pregnant two years ago. I'll buy the large size, I told myself magnaminously. That way the clothing will be loose instead of tight.

When I went to Capezio, I was greeted by a salesgirl who obviously practiced ballet. She was very nice and helpful, but I felt a little awkward. Curse her skinny ballet dancer's body! (just kidding, no really)

"Uh, I need some ballet stuff," I mumbled.

"For your daughter?" she asked.

"No, me," I said.

I imagined her giving me the "Uh-huh" look, even though she probably didn't. She fitted me with the shoes and I picked out a navy blue leotard (dark colors slim the body). The tights were a completely different matter. According to the sizing chart, they apparently take your current clothing size and jack it up two sizes. Per their demented logic, I would need the XL ballet tights.

"The tights run a little small," Ballet Sales Girl informed me.

No shit. You wouldn't believe how conscious of my body I was at that moment. I mean seriously! I tried to console myself with the fact that I didn't have to buy their biggest size, the XXL. Only their second to biggest size, the XL. Fuck this, I said to myself.

"Give me the large please," I requested.

Awhile later, I was talking to my mom and she commented that she had read my blog.

"I'm excited about the ballet thing, Mom!" I enthused.

"Hmm....wait until you get through the first lesson," she cautioned. Her implication was that she wondered if I was going to continue the lessons after enduring what will probably be a grueling first workout. I do admit that I can be a lazy ass, but the membership is of a limited duration. If I have a concrete goal in mind, I'll be more likely to complete the three months.

So I just tried on the tights and indeed they are a smidge too tight. Now I have to go back and buy the fat ass tights. Oh well.