Chinese New Year is always a big holiday for my family. In theory it is a way to transmit the cultural values and heritage of our race to our children. In reality, it is a loud, exuberant series of gatherings to welcome the new year. My Auntie S owns an orchid shop (FAH-PO in Chinese) and we always had the big family gatherings at her place. This year, she planned to serve a whole roasted pig. My Pou Pou (maternal grandmother who can wield a Chinese knife like no other) would chop it up to serve everyone. The married old farts (this includes me) would pass out red envelopes filled with money to the unmarried kids.

"Everyone bring a white elephant gift so we can have some fun," Aunt S. advised before the party.

I stayed at my parent's house the weekend of the party. In anticipation of buying the white elephant gifts, I rubbed my hands together with glee (most of you can see where this is going already).

"Grab something for me, ok?" my mom requested as I headed out the door.

"No problem!" I replied.

The only shop that sold items of questionable value was Spencer's Gifts in the mall. I was one of the first customers in the store. I decided not to be too pervy, so I bought some edible underwear and a fuzzy elephant that men could wear as an accessory. At the last minute I threw in some naked male bum gift paper too. The teenage clerk started laughing like Beevis when he rang up my purchases. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Are you going to a bridal shower?" he inquired.

"Uh, yeah," I replied. I didn't know how else to explain it to him.

When I got back to my 'rent's house, I asked, "Hey mom, want to see what I bought for the gag gifts?"

"I already know what kind of gift you got. Its HAM-SUP (Chinese for perverted), isn't it," she said knowingly.

"Hey dad," I called. "How about you? Would you like to behold the glory of my acquisitions?"

"Yeah," he said in a way that implied that he really didn't want to but what the hell.

"Look!" I held up the edible underwear box. "Strawberry flavor! And check out the male ass wrapping paper!"

My dad laughed somewhat nervously. I could see the thoughts running through his head. Why was his daughter showing him such things. Where did he go wrong in raising daughter that bought such things for a FAMILY party.

"Cool, huh?" I asked my dad.

"Uh, yeah," he said, not really meaning it.

I grinned evilly, but I decided to let him off the hook and wrap the gifts in my room.

To be continued...